Cold As Ice, Or Riddled With Anxiety?

​I lie awake in bed, for the first few moments, shivering. Why is this information important? Well, I’ll explain—and hopefully it’ll make sense. 

Now, as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve stopped taking my medication. I think this is day 6. In doing so, I’ve started thinking more clearly— remembering my “tools.” If you’re wondering what “tools” are, we’ll get to that in a minute. First, back to the shivering. 

The cold. 

The pile of blankets atop me, along with a long sleeve, sweater and sweats, were doing absolutely nothing for me. Or so I thought. 

I mean, yes, it is almost winter. Our nights drop into the 40s. For most people, that might not be bothersome, but let’s be honest here— I’m a little extra, and most definitely sensitive. So, if the cozy clothes and pile of blankets aren’t helping, then… 

Could it possibly be that my chill comes from within? 

4 years ago I was in the middle of my pregnancy. I was also going through a divorce, trying to find a safe and healthy place, and working on my depression. (Side note: I’m proud of how far I’ve come in terms of handling my depressive episodes.) Honestly, looking back, having ramped up anxiety makes complete sense. I had so much anxiety, that I shoved it into  my body— I still do. 

So, is the chill really anxiety? 

Well, after—what felt like half an hour—about 5 minutes, I remembered that I had this “feeling” before. When I was pregnant, there were times when I believed myself to be so cold, that I couldn’t stop shivering— teeth chittering, making that god-awful noise in my ears. I would focus on this chill and its effects on my body, which made me overstimulated. Every time. (Side note: This just adds to the anxiety.) 

I was reminded that I probably wasn’t actually cold, especially since it was early spring time (in the 70s), and more likely to be anxiety. 

So… What did I do with this information? 

I took a breath. 

And then another one. 

And another. 

I focused on the breathing— one breath at a time. I focused on inhaling slowly through my nose, and exhaling slowly from my mouth. By focusing on my breathing, it gave me something else to think about other than whatever rumination that was going on to cause this. I mean, let’s be real here, it’s also just good to remember to breathe. 

See, in moments of anxiety, I —like many people—forget to breathe. I start to hyperventilate. Senses get distorted. I become… not here. Lost in the abyss of high frequencies caused by perceived fear. So, the breathing helps me to slow down, bring oxygen to my brain, and gives me something else to focus on. 

It usually helps lead to a wise-mind. (More on that later) It’s also just good in every way— in my opinion. You should try it some time. (I say facetiously, with a wink.)

Lesson learned, right? Well, yes and no. See, I was able to gain this information and use it as a tool. But sometimes, sometimes my tool box is locked. I forget what they are and how to use them. But last night, I remembered…

I remembered! You guys, (I say to no one, because I’m typing this into the abyss of the inet.) I remembered a tool! Do you know how proud of myself I am for that?

Immensely. 

So, back to last night: I recognized patterns, I realized that it may very well be anxiety and not the chill, and I remembered a grounding tool. I took a breath. I let my breathing bring me back to what I call “center.” After a few moments—or really just one minute—of focusing on my breathing, the cold that I thought was residing in my bones, had dissipated. 

I was no longer cold. Nor was I hot. I felt… neutral. Centered. Then, I was able to think straight, then clam the high vibrations of my nerve-ending. I was able to go from an eight or nine, back down to a six.

What was causing the anxiety; better yet, what was enhancing the anxiety that I already have? I do live in a constant state of it, residing at a six most recently, but why was it so prevalent last night? We’ll address that in another post. On a different day. As its own topic. 

And what are these elusive “tools” I’ve mentioned above? I know I said I’d get to it “in a minute,” but to be fair to myself—giving me time to process, then explain, one thing at a time—I shall wait to share about “tools” for another day. 

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